Funny rant: Where Did the Expression "My Album is Dropping" Come From?
Thousands have artists have uttered this phrase, but what does it mean?
Is it a metaphor for a BOMB, a FORCE OF NATURE, a GOOD POOP, or a FALLING PHALLUS? [READ MORE]
.Big ol' list: Facebook Status Updates
I've never really thought of Facebook Status Updates as a means of telling people what is honestly on my mind. Rather, I just enjoy writing non-sequiturs and cheap puns.
- Oh, that Patrick can tolerate your asymmetric bosoms if you can look unflinchingly at my six-pack of nuts.
- Oh, that Patrick knows the phrase "mule on fire" conjures up images of hilarity, but it is NOT that funny in person.
.Short Story: Rain + Falafel = Scene from 'Oliver Twist'
The quick story of a series of poor decisions culminating in some embarrassing imagery
... Off I ran! The shortest path to the snack shack goes through a narrow alley that contains a number of living, vehicular, and structural obstacles throughout.
When running through cold rain, even in brown leather dress shoes, I instinctively switch into "NFL kickoff return man" mode.
.Long Story: Too Much of Anything Sucks [aka, 'The Hike From Hell']
My brother and I stretched our bodies to near collapse on what was supposed to be a fun jaunt through the hills of Pioneertown.
...How do I know there's no heaven? Because anything that seems intrinsically good can still be turned into something awful by repeating it interminably until you're beaten into submission with it.
Love is grand, isn't it? The difference in overall quality of life between a life in which you occasionally have a girl's legs folded across your lap and a life in which you don't is vast. However, would you want to sit there for seven hours with them on your lap? You get one bathroom break, a small snack, and a Capri Sun. You can only shift minutely in your seat. Otherwise, you're frozen in that position with the pressure points formed by her thighs and calves slowly deforming your flesh and grinding tendons against bone. Grand, right?
.Pensive Essay: Doing Nothing: The Ultimate Expression of Free Will
In an age that gives you unprecedented connectivity to the outside world and an endless variety of ways to entertain yourself, who gives themself permission to just stare into space and do nothing?
...With all the blessings that modern life offers us, its concurrent curse is the fact that we feel obliged to take advantage of as many of them as possible. We work and sleep an abhorrent majority of our lives away. Once nutritional and other errands are subtracted from the remaining balance, we are lucky if we average two or three hours of pure volitional time in a day.
While we are likely to fill up that time with activities we choose like working out, watching tv, reading a book, etc., I hesitate to call these activities truly free.
Often, our sense of scheduling is so domineering that we feel like we need to fit as much in to our "free time" as possible. Hence, though we may be relatively free to choose how to spend our time, we are not free in the sense of whether or not to choose. There is still a feeling of compulsion in the mental exercise of "what should I do now?"
.funny crap: My Totally Real Interview with the "Phony Baloney Quarterly"
Musicians are supposed to have press clippings on their websites. Since I haven't reached out to the press yet, I decided to write my own interview.
... Let's cut straight to the brass tax, Patrick. By what devil's alchemy do you concoct such a wide variety of music? It makes women coo, men roar, and babies 20% smarter.